Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your
salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci
bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need
a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to
be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Leave:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Casual leave:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There
is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic
Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned
under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to
eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3) Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all
the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience.
Sincerely,
The HR
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